Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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