apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
