I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!