after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
this hospital has no fireball
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.