fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED