The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
