it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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