She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
