no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
