Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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