Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
