I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
