i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
