U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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