I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
