When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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