Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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