My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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