I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
