If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I can't put those talents on a resume
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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