My hand turned me down
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
