If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
