Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
