Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
