Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Randomize
