I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
