she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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