you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
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Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
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the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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