I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
babies were throwing up all over the place
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
