you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
