I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So many bounce houses so little time
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
