Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
