My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
