sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
