yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
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I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
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They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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