i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
