Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
