I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
