She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
