just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
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She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
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I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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