My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
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I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
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No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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