honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
