why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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