can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
