The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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