Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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