She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just had sex on a roof
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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