Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
