So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
