Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
