im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
