Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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