I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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