dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
