I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
