I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Less talking, more tequila
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
